I’m exhausted and very shaky today. Not only, or even mainly because I had a five hour rehearsal with the kids yesterday and a show this afternoon. It’s because of something that happened during the night last night. I had some kind of “spell” or “episode,” and I feel like it’s weakened me significantly.
I went to bed around 9:00 PM, which is late for me these days. I went right to sleep, as usual, thanks to the Tiny Popsicles. I need to update you on that program, by the way, but that’s for another post. I was awakened at about 12:30 AM by our dog Sookie barking to be let outside. We don’t have a dog door, and it’s my job to let the dog out during the night.
So I got up and went down two flights of stairs to our back door to open it for her. I needed to “do some business” myself, but I always wait for her, because she’ll invariably bark to be let back in while I’m in mid-steam, if you know what I mean. While I waited, I was overcome by a wave of dizziness, nausea, and sweat pouring out of every pore of my body. I felt like I was about to faint or vomit, but I did neither. I couldn’t keep standing up, so I sat down near the door to wait.
After letting her back in, I tried to make my way to the bathroom by holding on to whatever I could find along the way. I made it there, but once I stepped into the bathroom, I lost my equilibrium and fell into the bathtub.
My wife happened to be up at the time, and came to see what had happened. There I was, lying in a heap in a bathtub, unable to get up. And I still needed go. Really bad. This would not do. I was not about to pee my pants in a bathtub.
I assured her that I could get out on my own, and she went back to bed. I did manage to do that, and get my business done. Now all I needed to do was go back up two flights of stairs to the bedroom. I didn’t even make it out of the bathroom on my first try, I was so dizzy. I had to lean on the bathroom counter for a few minutes and collect myself first.
I finally managed, by hanging on to both bannisters all the way up and gripping walls and whatever else was handy, to get to the bed. But my pajamas were completely soaked with sweat. I couldn’t just climb back into bed. I had to change. So I sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes until I felt like I could stand long enough to change out of my wet clothes into some dry ones.
Once I had changed and gotten back into bed, thankfully, I went right back to sleep. But when I got up this morning, I was very shaky on my feet. I felt very weak, and still do.
A fall like that is scary for anyone, but for me, having been newly diagnosed with osteoporosis, which was caused by Lupron, it was a nightmare scenario. It’s exactly the kind of thing I need to avoid. I got by with just a scrape on my forehead and a deep bruise in my right thigh that’s made it difficult to stand, sit and squat today. Perfect for a day when you have a gig and are expected to carry musical equipment.
I have no idea what might have caused that episode. Maybe I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Maybe my system is still flushing out stuff I ate in Mexico. Maybe it’s related to my treatment in some way. I don’t know. But it can’t happen again. Falling is not allowed.
I have an appointment with my oncologist on Friday to talk about my osteoporosis, and how careful I need to be. How much weight can I lift? How dangerous is falling for me right now? I know I’m supposed to be exercising, but I feel like I need to talk to him first before I start.
I’ve talked before about how Lupron is making me weaker every day. But until now, it’s been a gradual process. But I feel like last night’s episode took me down a few notches. Like I’ve lost ground that I’ll never make up.
Did that keep me away from the kids’ show today? Of course not! The show must go on, and there was no way I was gonna let them down. Besides, we’ve been working towards this performance for months. I wanted to be there with all of my heart. So I went, and as expected, the joy of being with them and performing got the ol’ adrenaline juices going, and I got through it fine. The kids were amazing. I’m so proud and happy to be part of The Littleton Conservatory Of Rock.
I didn’t tell my friend Todd, who runs the Conservatory, about how shaky I felt or why. I didn’t want to put that on him. But I did tell his wife Sandi, who I’ve mentioned many times before in this blog. I at least wanted someone there to know what was going on in case I collapsed onstage or something.
I can’t help but wonder if I really have lost some basic physical strength because of this that I’ll never get back. I continue to lose weight. I get hungry, but eat a few bites and don’t feel like eating anymore. That’s making me weaker too.
If something like that happens again, it could be disastrous. What if, next time, I fall down the stairs? Or hit my head on something sharp?
My dad got one of those walker carts with wheels recently. I saw someone using one in a store the other day, and wondered how long before I’ll need one. How long before cancer, or Lupron, or both compromise the strength of my bones to the point where I can’t do much at all?
Tomorrow should be a recovery day, but I need to work in the morning and we’re hosting a friend for dinner. I refuse to cancel that. It’s been too long since we’ve gotten together with her. Tuesday will have to suffice. I just hope that I don’t have another scary episode like that between now and then, or ever. #waroncancer