I’m very tired today. It’s a “good tired,” though I’m not sure what a “bad tired” would be. Maybe being tired from staying up all night playing video games or something. I’m tired today, and will be every Wednesday until August because I’m working at something that I love very much on Mondays and Tuesdays for a couple of months. I’m not willing to give that up, so I just have to deal with being tired.
But I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not being able to do the things I want to do. I’m tired of having to pass on things that I would have jumped at a year ago because I just don’t have the physical endurance that I used to have. All because of cancer and Lupron.
Lupron causes weakness, loss of muscle tone, and fatigue, among other things. I’m trying to work out every other day to counteract the loss of muscle tone, but at least once a week, I don’t work out on days that I want to because I’m too tired. Today was one of those days. My first thought this morning, and the first thing I said to my wife after I got up was that I’m tired of being tired. I wanted to work out this morning, but I wouldn’t have been able to get through it. Wednesdays have to be recovery days for me right now.
The job that I’m trying to do on Mondays and Tuesdays is mentoring and coaching kid singers, and helping them get ready for an upcoming performance. I love every minute of it. It’s very special to me to be able to impart some of the knowledge and experience I’ve gained in my career to some young singers in their formative years. But I can’t be there for all of their rehearsals, just because of my lack of endurance. I have to arrive late on Mondays and leave early on Tuesdays, and even then, I need to recover on Wednesdays. I’m so tired of being tired.
I used to stand at my desk rather than sitting for fitness and to avoid a repetitive stress issue I had a few years ago. But I can’t do that very much now, because I get too tired. I hate that.
In two days, my wife retires from her job of 25 years. I’m throwing a small celebration for her at our favorite restaurant with a few close friends after her last day this Friday. Then on Saturday, we’re hosting a monthly meeting with probably about 15 people at our home. On Sunday, I agreed to arrive early at church to help with hospitality. One year ago, the accumulation of these things would have been no problem. Now, I will be completely wiped out by Sunday afternoon, and will need about a three hour nap. I just hope that I’m not still too fatigued on Monday to do the work that I want and need to do.
This is a minor thing, but like many couples, my wife and I have TV shows that we watch together, and shows that we each watch alone. But because I get tired so easily, I can no longer stay up to watch “my shows” when she goes to bed, like I used to. I now go to bed around 8:00 PM, maybe 8:30, when I used to stay up until 10:00 or 10:30. I have a DVR full of shows that I’ll probably never get to now. Not that that’s a big sacrifice, especially when my priorities have changed so dramatically. But I still hate feeling like I have to go to bed so early.
I hate being tired all the time. But what choice do I have? None at all. I suppose that there are energy boosting supplements that I could take. I imagine I’ll get a few suggestions about that in response to this post. I’m willing to try things, but I also can’t take anything that will interfere with my ability to sleep. Sleep is of paramount importance. No Red Bull or 5 Hour Energy for me. I get “coffeed out” after three cups in the morning. Can’t have any caffeine after 6:00 PM.
Fatigue shortens my fuse, which is already unnaturally short. Like an infant who cries when he or she is tired, tears and anger come all too easily when I’m fatigued. One more reason to hate being tired.
It’s impossible for me to sleep in at my age. I also have a cat who makes me get up to feed her by 6:00 AM. But by that time, I’ve had maybe 10 hours of sleep, assuming I slept well that night. But no matter how much sleep I get, if I’ve expended too much energy the day or days before, I’m still walking around like a zombie for a day afterwards. Or two.
It seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I “hit the wall” at times after my first Lupron shot last September, but after my second shot in March, the fatigue problem increased. If I have to stay on Lupron for another year, how weak will I be then?
My hope and prayer is that, once I’m done with hormone treatment, my energy will bounce back. I’ll be able to do some of the things I used to do. I hope that turns out to be true. Because right now, I’m really tired of being tired. #waroncancer